Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Singled out

DNA reports:

The new face of Mumbai — young, single, and independent — wants to make it big. But it is a tough task in a city that seems to have no room for them.

In a market where demand exceeds supply, singletons have the toughest deal. They are at the bottom of the list of desirable tenants for housing societies that govern the affairs of buildings in the city.


Hmm. The more things appear to change, the more they don't - at some level. What do housing societies fear? That singles will spoil the 'peace'. Play loud music, bring home boyfriends and girlfriends, host late night parties. Basically, do a whole bunch of things that Mr & Mrs Solanki in apt 2b never had a chance to do in their youth. Or perhaps did, but gave up after they 'settled down'.

Of course many Indian singletons simply go to work, come back, eat a tiffin and crash out in front of the television. Just like boring old people. But society waale sochte hain, why take a chance ?

Sameera Khan, a researcher with the Gender and Space Project at Pukar, said, “The city is becoming exclusionist. Anyone who does not conform to people’s social standards is not accepted.”

I think the problem is now magnified - because of the sheer numbers and a shift in attitude. Ten years ago if you were young and single, you lived in a hostel or as a PG. If you were really lucky your company provided a shared accomodation ('chummery').

Now I notice a lot of young people prefer to share a flat with a few friends, rather than suffer odd rules and curfews at a hostel. Or the cramped lifestyle and general lack of privacy in a paying guest arrangement. Sharing a flat is sometimes cheaper, sometimes more expensive than other options.The more important thing is the freedom it accords you - and the fact that it feels like a 'home'.

The home bit is crucial because the average working professional may be single for a while. I remember most of the girls who completed their MBA with me got hitched by the time they were 25. So their single-and-alone-in-Bombay stint lasted just about 2-3 years. And the guys within 5 years of graduating.

That would still hold true for many today. But a larger prportion of the young, working population is waiting longer. For this bunch, 30 is the new 25. Hence the rising demand for single accomodation.

The answer, perhaps, is to have separate housing societies only for young and single people. "No kids allowed. No married couples allowed. No aunties in polyester salwar kameez allowed." Only dogs, dudes and live ins!

But seriously, we need to become more tolerant of people with different attitudes and lifestyles. Shaadi must not be a be-all and end-all. Actually, it isn't. Once married, the next worry everyone around you has is: "bacche". And once you have that there are not so subtle hints that the child needs a sibling. And so it goes until these kids are married and reproducing...

On a related note, I must bring up this peculiar tendency people have to bring up one's marital status. In a context where it is utterly irrelevant. Two b schools I was invited to speak at recently introduced me as 'Mrs Rashmi Bansal' and it bugged me slightly. Not enough to take it up with the organisers, but enough to write about here.

So marry - or don't marry. Either way that should not be of concern to your landlord. As long as you pay the rent and don't store RDX in his house. But, that kind of 'live and let live' spirit is still rare.

The question is: twenty years from now when you are Mr & Mrs Solanki in apt 2b - will you have it?

22 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. Coming from chennai, I can give you one more conservative approach to the apartment tenants' profile.

    "Family aa Bachelors aa?"
    "Bachelors"

    "Bachelors means difficult sir. Which area you want?"
    "XYZ, ABC, Near AB Road, etc. etc."

    "Difficult sir. Only families houses giving. Bachelors means not giving"
    "Oh ho" with that dejected look.

    "But I ll try sir"
    "Oh thanks" Greateful look.

    "Software engineers aa sir?"
    "No. Consultants."

    "Oh" with that 'hopeless' look.
    "But few of my friends are software engineers"

    "Oh software engineers aa.. then no problem sir, we can get houses" with that 'yes! got 'em!' kinda look!
    "Yeah, thanks", with that I knew it look!

    This is the phenomenon in the software cities of south india. Software engineers means we can get houses! Bachelors also no problem! :)

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  3. On separate housing societies, what happens when the live-ins get married and have kids…Do they get asked to leave the acco…Am reminded of the Nokia ad being shown on TV nowadays, the one with the theme of change and moving on…

    Apart from the shaadi, then baccha, them one more baccha, there is also the bigger car, bigger house, flat screen tv…and so on

    Besides, as time passes, don’t most of us become our parents…in some way or the other…particularly the things that we promised ourselves that we would not become?

    Given this, on the live and let live spirit, in all probability, 20 years from now, we would all talk about having settled down…sown our wild oats…about the larger picture… and would quote extreme examples to prove the importance of being Mr & Mrs. Solanki, in apt 2b!!!

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  4. So marry - or don't marry. Either way that should not be of concern to your landlord. As long as you pay the rent and don't store RDX in his house. But, that kind of 'live and let live' spirit is still rare.

    While you are right but I think thats simplistic as well. How do you decide whether I will pay the rent or won't store rdx in the house and for that matter wouldn't play loud music or wouldn't invite yuppies to the house.

    Now before everybody jumps on to me saying - is this what singles do? - my point is this - finding the right tenent is a nightmare in most cities . This stereotype of singles is a creation of singles - it will go if & when landlords feel comfortable with their cultures. If they exclude singles - the fact is that singles do not do anything to get involved either. So blaming one side is just plain - simplistic

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  5. To some extent, I do think that "singles" do cause some amount of commotion. I have been staying in this mode for four years in bangalore, and I do remember one instance of playing football in the hall at midnight. But when people floor below complained, we stopped doing that because we realized that it was actually difficult to sleep. And everything was fine. So I guess just a little of understanding is required :D.

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  6. Honestly, mumbai sucks in this regard. I had to change 3 houses just because Im single and a bachelor. And we could've easily been the most decent and calm people in the whole complex.

    One guy in an apartment complex tolme there are 3 people who suffer terribly in Mumbai.

    1) Unmarried women
    2) Muslims and
    3) Unmarried men.

    I dont know abt the first two, but the third is certainly true. Talk abt Mumbai being cosmopolitan and open and educated... its all hypocrisy.

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  7. Well, Once I too came across this phenomenon..The house owner agreed..But a neighbour objected to having bachelors and finally we had to settle for another floor. I agree bachelors do create a certain amount of noise..but its not that unruly as certain people believe.

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  8. The answer from the LandLord or his Neighbours depends on Whether they have a daughter / boy who THEY think is INNOCENT and may get influenced by these tenents and the last thing one wants is ur tenent PATOING ur/ ur neighbours progeny or vice versa.

    This is one thing most of us subconsciously (honestly i do) look out for if any body new moves in .

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  9. I think its just the bachelor associated fun, independence and the spontaneity which people like Mr and Mrs Solanki cannot stand !!!

    New born kids make much more noise at odd times than bachelors. Why is that acceptable to the neighbors?

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  10. @ Ramesh

    Its sad that at most of the place a female is recognized by her husband’s name rather than her maiden name. In a few cultures the female even has to change her first name after marriage. So it does sound inappropriate for a female who has even a grain of individuality to be addressed specifically as Mrs.

    Same hassle I faced in my college albeit in a different context but with my name. I studied in Baroda and happen to be a south Indian So name complications. And everytime I tell the clerk while filling up some form that I do not include my father’s name in my name he/she gets personal. “Why baap ka naam lagane mein problem kya hai”
    Arrey ..?? get a load man!! I know he is my father I do not need any testimonial.

    Why do we as a culture get soooo.. personal about the most irrelevant of matters.

    @ The Post

    Well three weeks in Mumbai, saw 7 flats. Conversation???

    Bachelors?? Well bachelors ganda rehte hai… Raat der se aate hai and awaaz karte hai

    Come on Guys!!! Were you people born married?

    And everywhere you go it will be the same thing… land lords behave as if they are marrying their daughters to you. Come on .. take your rent your deposit and forget us as long as we are living within the law of the land.

    And it is regulations like these which cause people (a guy and a gal) to get together and lie that they are married in the hope of getting a decent flat to live in.

    And well regarding the paying guests in Mumbai.. most of them are Ratholes.. honestly cannot think how people live in them…

    Aditya

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  11. I feel that to get along well with others in our society , you have to do what everyone else does, else there is something "wrong" with you. Unfortunately in India, most people pass exams, but do not learn to "think"

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  12. Live and let live??? Nobody in this country has heard of this attitude... and privacy is just another word in the dictionary.... if only ppl took as much interest in the lives of their own sons and daughters rather than their neighbour's life would be so much simpler....

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  13. If any of you think that Mumbai sucks in terms of attitude towards bachelor renters, then I invite you to try it out at Chennai. Adi has stated it well in his comment. The requirements are stated verbatim right in the classified columns of newspapers - "vegetarian married tamil brahmins only" - the more of those 4 parameters you qualify for the more the chances of getting yourself a house :))

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  14. If I am celebrating a Birthday party with my friends at my flat , its a crime.But if kajra re is being played in the society garden during ganpati fest,durga puja,diwali at midnight,Its fine.Come on, these people are religious people and Gods love listening to remixes!!!
    And the idea for seperate societies for bachelors? Well, isnt it an escapist and high ended suggestion? We are not outcastes, I think its high time there comes Bachelors Accomodation Union against Mr Landlords/Society Members who come drunk at night and fight with their wives. But i guess it wont happen, cos its ok...they are married.

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  15. I got a flat in Pune, only when I said I am a software guy, and I am going to live alone in the flat.

    And I actually lived alone for a few months, since most of my friends already had accomodations. It does get boring after a while, but sometimes its just great to watch whatever you want on TV, play heavy rock, etc.

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  16. the idea of a seperate society for singles is also exclusionist.

    though i am facing the same problems right now and have been facing for close to 4 years now, from a small place like gwalior when i was a student to bangalore now when i am working professional, i still think there are equal points from both sides.

    Though i feel irritated to see shaking heads of landlords as soon as they hear that i am a bachelor, but at the same time my parents had to rent their house as well and i could not say much in the favour why they should not be preferring a family.

    1. bachelors dont live clean( thats only based on a ratio and not applicable for all).

    2. Yes they do sometimes play loud music which is obviously taken more seriiusly by the societies than would have been the case if a family plays even louder for celebrating their 7 year old's B'day.

    3. Bachelors often dont get things rectified if they are broken since they can linger on with them, they actually let them linger on.

    Now get on to the other side and think if you put some 20 lakhs to build a house would you not want to ensure that your house is maintained cleanly. Things are not broken and stuff like that.
    Its not merely about the rent for the house owner their aare more additives to it which is what matters for the owne.

    But i still believe that bachelors should just not be siad no and hence you some how have to convince the owner that you wont do this.

    But its better if you dont lie (since some body said to lie), because if you do that then you have closed one more house for any future bachelors.

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  17. Hi,

    I totally agree with your views.Have stayed alone /shared and apartment and lived as a paying guest in Mumbai.

    Many people are hesitant to give a apt on rent to single girls.Somehow the single status does not gel well with the Indian pysche.

    while i stayed as a paying guest my land lady would praise me saying " har roj right time ghar ati ho" and she would tell me elaborate stories of the other roomies who used to come even a bit late. All this while she took 3000 rs from each of us to live and share a small room with another girl.

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  18. Good post.

    A few months ago when i needed tenants for my apartment (in Bangalore) i sent emails to many mailing lists including my apartment association's list. The president of the association responded one-one-one asking me not to let out the apt to bachelors - he said they had bad experiences already! Already?? the complex was brand new, and i was surprised that the bachelor-phobia spread in so quickly. May be it was his previous experiences! Anyway, I eventually let out my apartment to a family.

    On a side note,in my experience both as a tenant and owner, i found families took care of homes better than bachelors.

    Am i Mr.Solanki already? Damn!! :))

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  19. @Ramesh

    Well we do have something to the effect of Mr. and that is Miss. Nowhere it is mentioned that miss cannot be used for Married women. And supposedly the british who started this tradition of using Mr and Miss/Mrs as titles they themselves use Miss for every female. (if you see wimbeldon carefully all women tennis players whether married or not are addressed as Miss.) Mrs in a way erodes the identity of a women as a subset of the man she has married.

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  20. @Ramesh

    Well we do have something to the effect of Mr. and that is Miss. Nowhere it is mentioned that miss cannot be used for Married women. And supposedly the british who started this tradition of using Mr and Miss/Mrs as titles they themselves use Miss for every female. (if you see wimbeldon carefully all women tennis players whether married or not are addressed as Miss.) Mrs in a way erodes the identity of a women as a subset of the man she has married.

    @JoeyJenny

    Some landlords prefer Desis because they are law abiding, do not have much drinking and drugs or partying problems, pay the rent on time. (that is the indians who live abroad) but many do not because they play funny music, get relatives home, smell up the place with cooking..

    it works both ways

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  21. Good Article. Now would you please refer me (a single, recently graduated MBA) for accomodation in your society? :)

    Call me opportunist but to get acco in this city, one has to dig deep!

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  22. I live in Pune with five other guys ...all of us blots on the holy title of 'Software engineers'.

    Well ..we had been staying the 'Shree and Shreemati Uptight' society for the past 1 year and faced no problem for most of the time. However, just a few days back Mr.PrINGLEs, the "chairman" and hence's the most uptight bugger of the society calls yours truly over for a tête-à-tête. Here goes the conversation.

    Mr.PrINGLEs: Hey you boy , come heaaar...are you married??are u you alone?? how long you staying heaar

    Me: Excuse me...no im not married....[not interested now]...staying with bachelors...for the past 14 months

    Mr.PrINGLEs:Yes...why are you living heaaar??

    Me:WTF?? I pay the rent so i live here

    Mr.PrINGLEs: No..no...no...i mean y do u stay unauthorised?? I havent seen you before

    Me:[If you missed a fatso like mine,god help you] "Well..sir,could be possible that our timings dont match"

    Mr.PrINGLEs: That eez vat i um meaning...y u not seeing me..or for that matter so many times i tell your owner..he also dont see me...

    Me: [Probably because we are hetero ...u sick pervert] "Uhhh...hum...wat..sir??"

    Mr.PrINGLEs: I ask you all to come to meetings to discuss your issues, our issues , your owner issues...y u avoiding? Y u staying unauthorised?

    Me: [Frig you...i dont have ne issues that i will discuss with you...and i definetely dont wanna hear about your indigestion problems] . Hmm..i see..wat issues..sir??

    Mr.PrINGLEs: Well you know, building problems, builder problems, water problems..

    Me: What say would i have in that ..i mean the builder would gladly flip the bird to me..if he knew i wasnt the owner.

    Mr.PrINGLEs: Leave eet, y u not mingling..with society members...not for functions..not for Satyanarayana Puja parties...(yes he said that!!!)? Even your owner is like that

    Me: Well, lets say I am not a socializing kind of a person(seeing the confused look upon the buffoon's face i took mercy and remade my sentence) I come from office at around 9..and the last thing on my mind is a Puja Party...my owner stays 25 kms from here ...and i guess he would have travel problems...oh which you are free to discuss in your "Meetings".

    Mr.PrINGLEs:(suddenly turning into hitler) No no no...this is not allowed....first of all u staying unauthorised...ur not married..ur a bachelor...ur having friends...ur coming late....you are ruining this beautiful society...[symbolically, a dog just poops in front of the majestic gates]...you have to vacate by month end...else i will take action

    Me: Is that a crime...not marrying...have you never been a bachelor??{read as ...is that the only achievement in your life u fat pig)...and btw..wat action are u threatening..sir??

    Mr.PrINGLEs:We will call police....threaten your owner of not cooperating....he has not given rent agreement...he has not given your contact details...it is govt rule that bachelors need to register themselves at nearest police station.(to get early bird prizes!!)

    Me: Which rule is that?? ...in any case dontju think it is sensible to talk to my owner first...he is a gentleman and he will definetely clear all the bad blood(again Mr.PrINGLEs is confused)...i mean ..misunderstanding

    Mr.PrINGLEs:Give me your owner's number?

    Me: I dont have the no...my phone got formatted( true..i have an N70 and the bleeding phone gives me all the spftware problems it can)

    Mr.PrINGLEs: This is what im talking about...you dont have courage to give no.

    Me: Are you accusing me of trying to escape from you( you wriggling worm)...I'll call ne1 from my flat and they'll give you my owner's no...dont use unnecessary adjectives. (I make a call to my roomate..who comes rushing down...poor chap!!)

    Mr.PrINGLEs: Ok...will do that....(calls up and threatens my poor owner to give the agreement copy to him)...and hai you ...yessss you...you and all your roommates...come to today's meeting...

    Me: I am going to mumbai...will not come back on time for the important meeting so excuse me...[I get the hell outta there leaving my roommate to deal with the troll]

    @ Rashmi and all the other bloggers

    Sorry...but i was really frustated and needed a vent for my anger...hope i didnt choke up the blog space here!!

    PS: Is there a rule in the govt that bachelors need to register themselves at the nearest police station?

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