Monday, January 14, 2008

"We all change for the one we love"

A dad shares his teenager's love of music by sharing her headphone

A wife is seen holding a pair of golf clubs...

And an elderly South Indian lady is learning Punjabi to welcome her daughter in law.

"We all change for the people we love" is quite an endearing campaign (esp the TV spot). "Wahi muskuraaate chehre aur kuch nayi technology" is the promise of Canara bank and I like both the message and the execution. Much more relevant than SBI.

Now let's just hope they deliver on the hi-tech bit. Wonder if every branch really looks as glitzy as the one they show in the advert!

Actually the ad set me thinking on the whole premise of 'changing for the people we love'. The key thing is it has to come from within. But even then...

The dad wants to get closer to his daughter, the wife wishes to share her husband's world. It's one thing to make a gesture to show hey, I care about what's going on with you. And another to change the core of your being.

Would the mom in law throw away her saris and wear only salwar kameez? Or the wife accompany the husband to every game of golf? Imagine the dad scrapping his daughter every day on orkut..

Ridiculous, extreme and unnecessary, isn't it?

Except that we end up doing this in real life, especially when the loved one is a romantic partner/ spouse.

I hang out with his friends.

We only cook what he likes.

I don't wear pink because he says it does not suit me.

We change little by little but it all adds up. You make a million small changes or 'adjustments' as they say and poof! Your own identity gets completely lost.

Now I am sure that men who also make a lot of changes but I still think women make more. In fact, many women believe that it is their primary role and responsibility to 'keep the peace' in the house. And if keeping that peace means I have to 'change myself' to theek hai na. Usme kaun si badi baat hai?

Take the case of Kristin Richard, Lance Armstrong's ex wife. She related a story on the Oprah Winfrey show that struck a chord with women all over the world.

You and Lance looked like you had it all," said Winfrey, noting that Richard was swept off her feet by the stellar athlete, married him, had three children quickly and moved to the French Riviera. Richard, however, said that her role was strictly to cheer on Armstrong, prompting Winfrey to advise women not to make the same mistake.

Of course Kristin chose to adopt this role...

"It wasn't Lance saying, 'You should be like this' or 'Do this.' It wasn't him making a mandate and me being a mouse. It was me trying to emulate whatever I thought would be the perfect wife or the perfect mother," said Richard, promoting an article she's written for the April Glamour magazine titled "What I Wish I Had Known About Marriage."

"We think we're trying to please somebody for the sake of our marriage, but then if you ask Lance today if he appreciated that, I think he would probably say, 'Well, that wasn't the woman that I fell in love with,'" added Richard.

Although what Kristin says is true, many of us expect do our partners to change and don't hesitate to say so. 'If you love me why can't you blah blah blah?' So it's not always heartfelt and voluntary...

Kristin adds that she surrendered her job, her dog, as well as her independence when she married Lance. She also admitted to being blinded by the huge diamond ring he gave her when they got engaged...

The moral of the story is if you are really turned on by golf, sure - take up those clubs. Otherwise just don't nag and spoil the pleasure he gets in playing the sport. Use that time to pursue something that you really like.

You gotta spend time together but also give each other some space! And this applies to all you boyfriend-girlfriend types as well.

Fevicol ka jod wood ke liye chalta hai, human beings ke liye nahin.


  1. good one..keep writing........

  2. The campaign for Canara Bank has 2 positives - it is visible and the execution of the idea ('we've changed') is engaging. But I feel that the rationale given ('wahi muskurate chehere aur nayi technology is a load of pap. It is nothing but a n identity change. As a customer of Canara Bank, I can tell you that nothing has changed! It's another case of a PSU hoping that a snazzy ad campaign is the answer to their perception problems and the youth will come flocking to them!

  3. Rashmi,

    what I felt Kik's main grouse was to have changed (read, made sacrifices) and prob not appreciated in the end by Lance.

    For any relationship to work, changes are inevitable. Although I accept your position that women make far more changes, but to advise female not to change would be like saying that "I love XYZ but won't change for him", quite a hardliner stand.

    So I feel the blog could have been more apt in exhorting men in some way to appreciate what women do (which, a part of Kik's experience does say) or rather advise women how to extract it from men. And I think women are far smarter at it :)

    P.S. I am just a bachelor (so relatively inexperienced) but this is what I feel abt this topic.

  4. Well said. Sharing a life does not mean trying to act like a single entity. Do your thang and respect your other half! Find what you like in common, and enjoy only that together.

    Would be a problem if husband and wife support different football clubs though.

  5. LoL! Good one, totally agree with the Fevicol comment.

    PS: I have an intense hatred for pink too and my friends make sure they wear pink with a vengeance. Keeps us going, otherwise life would be so boring :)

  6. So very true.... Well written!

  7. I so agree with what you say. It is no inevitable that you change and try to do all things together, but why! I dont know, i guess everyone around is doing that, hence me too!

    Like you have said, eventually you dont remain the two people who you both had fallen in love initially!

  8. Brilliant! I couldn't agree with you more!

  9. hello friends my name is mary paily you can read my views in

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  11. Totally agree with you.

  12. canara bank, for that matter any nationalised bank, will change only when its unions are abolished and employees whipped into shape by competition.

    Why do some of the best paid workers in the country need unions?

  13. Anonymous3:37 PM

    I believe in change. It is not for please your loved ones, rather for live a lovely life. But,Changes has to come from both the end.
    Breakdown Recovery

  14. gooyaar just keepit up

  15. hello john, would you visit

  16. hi swapna thanks to my inbox ,feel free to visit

  17. "We all change for the people we love". Do you think it means we all change completely for the people we love? If the South Indian mom-in-law learns Punjabi, it doesn't imply she is going to get converted to a Punjabi! If the dad shares the headphone, doesn't mean he has to exchange orkut scraps too. The ridiculousness is the extremity that you took things to.

    Well, it has to be a change from both sides. Always hanging out with his friends is wrong, but then NOT hanging out with his friends is not right. Hanging with her friends equally is the right thing to do.

    I too think women make more adjustments than men. But you should rather advise men to change too, than asking women not to.

    BTW, I found the SBI campaign much more relevant to Canara Bank's.

  18. Rashmi

    I regret that you have generalized a bit too much... Its unfair to highlight that women make all/most of the sacrifices and that they are the only ones making compromises to make peace in the household... It primarily depends on who is the aggressive one... and lemme tell u I know tons of chaps who are the ones yielding and compromising for the sake of that peace...

  19. Rightly said Rashmi.. One has to be ones self and we should love someone for what they are...Even if someone changes for you it will not be for long..It would reach a stage when they would want to regain their identity..Well, be your self is the only mantra. And fr the canara bank they are working on changing their service levels as they have realised that it is not the campaign that matters but the deliverables..hope 2 see some changes soon..

  20. Relatively speaking, "Change is the only thing that is constant". What troubles the older generation or the older banks/govt institutions like Canara Bank is the pace at which the world around them is changing and the need to adapt. You dont have to be surprized when the IT-Incharge of a large govt org spends a considerable time teaching higher officials how to use computer/ internet and even after this service, the higher officials prefer pop (plain old paper - talk about e-governance!).

    Lets hope these govt organisations can change for better and not just for the sake of changing alone. Also Punjabi/Tamil is not the only difference between the people of two states. Neither the daughter in law, nor the son and not even the mother in law knows what they are doing. Now, Love and Marriages are blind?

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