Friday, July 25, 2008

Mission Istanbul review

It's a turkey. There, I have the satisfaction of saying it :) And I bet no one who reviews this film will be able to resist that pun.

Haan, yeh journalism bada khatarnaak job hai. Kuch journalists hain like Mr Vikas Sagar (Zayed Khan), who don't have the time to shave or even attend their own divorce proceedings. Bechaare duniya bachane mein jo lage hain.

Aur doosri aur hum jaise bahadur jo aapko bachane me lagein hain. Aisi film dekhne se.

OK. I am going to spill the beans, rip the guts, maul the muscled maniacs populating this film. These are not 'spoilers' because the film is already too spoilt to merit a view. But it sure is fun to write about.

Sample this: Joshila journalist, Mr Good Guy Killing Machine (Vivek Oberoi) and Secret Agent with Cleavage (unknown) have just managed to outrun two carfuls of baddies.

Agent opens the boot and hands out chilled cans of Mountain Dew. Just then two more cars full of Bad Guys arrive. They advance menacingly, chains and belts in hand.

"Dar lag raha hai kya," Vivek asks Zayed.
"Nahin... darr ke aage jeet hai," he replies.

They down the Dew, crush the cans and proceed to finish off the enemy.

Such brilliant product placement has never been seen before, and will never be seen again in the history of Indian cinema. I tell you - the drink to have before you beat someone up to a pulp. Kya positioning hai! UP aur Bihar mein khoob bikega...

A few scenes later, as Journalist and Good Guy Killer are holed up in their hideout. A newsflash proclaims they are 'most wanted'. "Chill, man. Chips kha," GG tells JJ, holding a large packet of Lays.

What's the prograam? Another 45 minutes of yehahaha kicking, punching, menacing, grimacing, we-will-protect-our-precious-pen-drive.

Why JJ could not hand the pendrive to the Indian ambassador when he managed to make it to the embassy, we do not know.

How police manage to enter the embassy despite its diplomatic immunity we do not know.

Oh wait, our ambassador is a lame and wimpy old woman with very poor taste in saris. IFS officers, unite and demand a ban on the film!

But wait, there is someone lamer and wimpier and this is the only intentional (and somewhat genuine) comic relief in the midst of all the dishoom dishoom. A look-alike President George W Bush who is clueless about India and well, just about everything else.

Chief of Staff: Mr President, there's an Indian involved in the Turkey incident

President: What? Indians! They're everywhere!!

Yeah baby, you better believe it.

Since this film comes from the guy who gave us the gory but hard-hitting 'Shootout at Lokhandwala' you have to wonder what went wrong.

My guess: 'Balaji productions'.

They've given the world of terrorism over-exaggerated, cardboard characters like it was a saas bahu show. Imagine a guy called Mr Ghazni who wears plastic flowers to match the colour of his Savile Row suits. He can't be anything BUT the villain.

And to add to the fun they sourced excellent raw material... not for a movie but sturdy furniture. Both wooden and plastic.

Sunil Shetty dies thankfully early but then there's Vivek Oberoi. He is just too much in love with himself. He can never stop being cool. Even in the middle of a heated gun-battle a part of him looks like it's wondering, "Hows my hair?"

No wonder Aishwarya left the poor sod.

And what WAS Abhishek Bachchan doing in the film? Even friendship has its limits! Not even the likes of Esha Deol/ Shamita Shetty agreed to be part of this dud. They had to find two new and unknown bakris.

To sum it up, it was an interesting idea. Terrorists use the media, even manipulate it. Is the media only the messenger or is it actually the oxygen helping to keep terrorism alive? And what happens when the media actually has an agenda of its own?

Mission Istanbul is based on the premise that Abu Nazir (who looks like Osama Bin Laden) is dead and Al Johara (which sounds like Al Jazeera) is keeping him alive by manipulating old images and speeches. That they are creating the news as well as reporting it.

Which, terrorism apart, IS often the case.

But how can you even talk about 'food for thought' in a film where a chick walks up to an Aaj Tak news anchor and says,"Roz raat ko tum mere bedroom mein aate ho... tabhi mujhe neend aati hai."

Yeah baby, and terrorists take Hindi classes so they can retire and act in Bollywood films. Or maybe even as the evil sasur in one of Balaji's many serials??

22 comments:

  1. kya re 'UP BIHAR mei bikegaa' ka kya matlab...i knw movie is utter crap...but refrain urself frm such regional comments...u dont represent youth but only shitty metro junk culture followed by some totally wasted fellows...becaz u are so far from realties of people in these areas...

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  2. I agree wid gopal..though I'm from Delhi,yet I think pigeonholing UP & Bihar as some shit is mindless....Refrain from doing that...else d review is k..though I wud like to lable it as "worst over-hyped movie of all times".I just didn't c d logic behind making such crap....& my guess is , its not Lakhia but Balaji which is behind dis senseless piece of shit...

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  3. Hmmm...I belong to Jamshedpur which was part of erstwhile Bihar (though we belong to Jharkhand)...and I now stay in Noida (UP)...I have been in Delhi for the past 8 years but that hasn't made me any less defensive about my small town sensibilities!I agree that pigeonholing UP and Bihar is a bad idea...but Gopal and Eternal Dreamer, it is true that certain films work better in these regions. However, I am not sure Mission Istanbul would do well there either (considering i have not watched the film)! The crowd that enjoys sasta entertainment exists very much in metros as well...its just that cinematic sensibilities of Indian audiences is very unpredictable...that's why certain films work and some dont! Some work magic with a simple formula...others simply throw away a good concept with a flawed script! Our job as viewers is a privileged one...

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. nice review
    enjoyed reading it - and enjoyed your sense of humour.

    don't worry about all these oversensitive types taking objections to the UP - Bihar angle. If they don't have the sense to laugh at themselves, we'll have to do it for them!

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  6. really film is a disaster but the guys from my state is making noise on review.its just a review we are indian why are u taking it so religiously.i also agree with rituparna,i am also from patna and now in ranchi,but its not detering me as aregional comment.

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  7. Gopalwa kahe pareshaan hote ho bhaiyya?

    U have a good sense of humor though...
    LOL

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  8. There is no matter people are going entertain the movie. its not make any sence.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hello rashmi Bansal,

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    ReplyDelete
  10. Thats a nice post.. thanks for the early warning...

    as for the folks gettin sentimental, id say, "You cant always please everyone, for everyone good deed there are 10 who will crib..."

    cheers!

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  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  12. Rashmi,
    I think you're mistaken when you call 'SAL' 'hard-hitting but gory'. That movie was more like a comical farce. C'mon, Sanju Baba, the ACP, with all but one of his shirt buttons unbuttoned, indulging in the climactic hand-to-hand combat with Vivek Oberoi. Then, Tusshar Kapoor as a 'bhai' actually threatening Sunil Shetty with bodily harm. Ludicruos! SAL really was a precursor to what MI was gonna turn out to be. When the media buys into the bullshit that Juhu-Lokhandwala feeds them and refrains from calling the spade a spade, people like Lakhia go on to make movies like these.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous6:58 PM

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    ReplyDelete
  14. I never had seen thses movie yet but I will see it,

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hopeless movie. No doubt it is a big budget movie though! But keep your brain sideway and then watch this movie. I live in London. I just saw this movie on DVD yesterday. RAW is not a joke to recruit a lady which half naked and dancing in a bar or pub. Bullshit! Hopeless actress and their acting! Any ways if you just want some masala for few hours then this movie is worth.

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  16. singh is king is best film. super duper hit.Akshay Kumar played act very well. I like this hero very much

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hi. U really have got a good sense of humour. And I do agree with u that some movies run well in some regions of our country and u have a freedom of speech in India so I'd ask people to chill and not take your comment about UP and Bihar personally.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I have just finished watching the so called " MOVIE" and my thougths are same as they were while watching it .. that this is not possible no movie can be so worst and full of crap... the director might going to surprise the audience in the next scene with some thing innovative.. but unfortunately nothing happened ... seemed to be like the director now wants to pose as a politial figure or is about to do it ... .a complete waste of three hours where i was watching nothing but a director hostile attitude towards muslims and the way they were propogating against journalism ... I wonder if any senior member at al-jareeza might have watched this movie ... any how worth seeing this movie as for someone who really like to see mantality of director and how are they acting to spread hatred amoungst ppl belonging to different ethnic backgrounds ... have got much more to say but i believe this could do ...

    ReplyDelete
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