Monday, June 27, 2005

Boy, oh boy!

My daughter casually asked me last evening," Mummy, did you have a boyfriend in college?"

I was - let me admit - a bit taken aback.

Of course, I have always told myself, I will be open and frank in discussing anything and everything with her. I won't ho-hum when it's time to have the 'conversation' my mom attempted when it was rather too late. Not that it was actually a conversation.

The gist of the mother-knows-best lecture was: "Boys want only one thing... be careful... save yourself for marriage..." Wisdom from a different time and era, which addressed none of the *real* issues.

So I'm glad that she can ask me such questions without a hint of embarassment. But at 5 years and 10 months of age? Um, I wasn't quite prepared...

Still, I decided to be truthful and said "Yes."

But it didn't stop at that. "What was his name," she wanted to know.

Here, I ducked - for now - by claiming, "I've forgotten his name, beta.... " and she didn't pursue the matter any further.

Why did I lie? Because I really don't have good memories of that first boyfriend. But the relationship did teach me some important lessons which I shall, from time to time, attempt to imprint into her impressionable young head.

It's all about respect
I think the immediate stimulus for Nivedita's 'boyfriend' question was a conversation the RJs were having on Radio Mirchi which we happened to be tuned to:

RJ1: Aapka favourite college kaun sa tha?
RJ2: Mine was Podar
RJ1: Why?
RJ2: Because of the girls yaar!

In Nivedita's mind, going to college and having a boyfriend are becoming firmly interconnected. This is something she has picked up from the movies and TV she's been exposed to. Not that I don't try to make sure she watches stuff 'appropriate for her age' but hell, even Popeye and Mickey Mouse have girlfriends...

What I want her to internalise is this: It's wonderful if you do happen to meet and vibe with someone in a special way when you join college. But perfectly OK if you don't. And that 'everyone has a boyfriend' is not the right reason, at all.

I, for one, know I was in love with the idea of being in love. My first foray into Boyfriendland was an absolute disaster! The bloke was a good looking, crew cut NDA cadet and had a nice bike. But he was an absolute ditz in the IQ and ethics department.

Yet, even when I knew he wasn't quite the guy I should be wasting my time on, it was very hard to break up. Because 'someone' is better than no one.

Which is wrong. No one is better than a relationship which lacks respect.

And you might think that this is something everyone knows, but I see many many young people stuck in these kind of relationships - justifying them for this very same reason.

The greatest love of all, as Whitney Houston once sang, is learning to love yourself. And that, dear Nivedita, is what I want for you before you go out and find yourself a boyfriend...

And yes, boys do really want 'only one thing', but that will be the subject of another conversation. Watch this space!

33 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:46 PM

    Why do you think that your daughter has the perception of what you think of a boyfriend. In all possibilities, she could be thinking a boy friend (no special emphasis to "boy", I might add).

    I have a five year old kid myself and I get similar questions which I think are quite simplified; my wife and I respond with simplistic answers that seem to satisfy the immediate curiosity.

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  2. Anonymous3:04 PM

    I don't think going to college and having a boyfriend are synonymous with each other. i was in a girl's college and didn't have a boyfriend. some of my friends did and it ws supposed to be a prestigious thing . but, i had different priorities and a boyfriend didn't figure in my scheme of things.

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  3. It was going smooth until you said -- "boys do really want 'only one thing'".

    Really?!

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  4. Well, its a really complicated issue, boys want only one thing? Don't know that may be true but then even girls want the same things. The problem is we all have left touch with our heart. Ethics and Morals we all talk about them we all judge others and never judge ourselves. We talk about boy - girl relationships and we ape from the west. Those special feelings we talk about, you know those feelings which are to be cherished, but they seldom are the same for boys and girls. Kids do talk about boyfriends and what not. . Thats what we have given them and that's what we are all giving to the next generation. All the wrong concepts, too much of listening to the mind, computers televisions and newspapers and magazines, newspapers like times of india which has supplements like bombay times. .

    No its a big question, what all can you talk to a kid? being frank is okay but do we have the wisdom to understand whats right for them and whats not.

    Words are gross. .

    Love is what kids really need and no we are not giving them we are just covering our guilt by filling their rooms with toys

    and giving our consent for anything they ask for.

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  5. Boy oh boy...

    So that gives me and Ekta only 2 more years to prepare for those questions???
    (saachi is 3 years and 6 months!)

    Helpp !!

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  6. All that kids do need is Love and a living example of right living. . all the talking is crap

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  7. Anonymous6:31 PM

    Isn't this a little over-information at this age. But then I guess kids are turning wise and I am getting old. Long live the Generation Gap.

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  8. Anonymous7:17 PM

    Rashmi,
    Were you successful? How many comments did you expect to mention only about "only one thing".

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  9. Anonymous9:50 PM

    WHAT WOMEN WANT?

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  10. Hey Rashmi,
    One question popped in my mind, now we all know about your disappointments with your first boyfriend, would you want/like to see your kid stumbling upon the same blocks? Or rather verify all her potential boyfriends and select the best for her (don't do that plz :)?

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  11. Anonymous12:07 AM

    The ending hurts man!
    But good messages. I guess it applies to teens too eh?

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  12. Let me add to the 'want only one thing' bandwagon: There is a difference between 'wanting' something and actually going ahead and 'doing' it.That is where i beleive the 'value' thing comes into play.

    And yeah, am also deeply hurt :)

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  13. one-thing syndrome is not a function of gender.

    sab maaya hai ;-)

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  14. Anonymous4:44 AM

    The 'one thing' comment aside (seems to be more of a personal gripe than any verifiable fact), it is a bit irrelevant for you to think you can have an absolute influence on your daughtters life. She will get answers to questions you do not want to answer, whether U like it or not. I agree with your idea of being honest with children, the more U hold back, the more they will be misinformed from all kinds of sources (as U mentioned the RJ's). Also trying to think rationally for an an act which is solely based on emetion does not truly work. Case in point, as U yourelf mention, that the guy was "Good Looking", "NDA Cadet", with "a Bike"....so what exactly was the one thing on your mind when U were dating him? Surely not how ethical/smart he was. All in all a great article. Please keep them coming.

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  15. Hey interesting piece as usual...if you were just playing around with the male stereotypes when you talked about us wanting only "one thing" then it's cool...we should learn to laugh at ourselves once in a while but if that's what you seriously think,for once, you are way off the mark. Although years later, it might not be such a bad lie to tell your daughter...it's something I'd ask my younger sister to watch out for definitely.

    http://phoenix2100.blogspot.com/2005/06/carpe-diem.html

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  16. missed one more point..
    girls are more emotionally driven than rationally when it comes to guys b/cits all in the glands.

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  17. Anonymous6:30 AM

    To be very fair, I think she's somewhat right when she says boys in college want only one thing. Somewhat. Every first relationship I know of has fizzed out pretty soon.
    And Atul, how are people supposed to know what true love is the first time around?
    Ok, So boys apparently want a relationship for just the 'one thing' but even if girls want a whole bunch of things from the relationship, who is to say one is better than the other?
    We can all hide our true feelings and end up being celebate, but that's totally against what we are designed for.

    In fact, we are meant to fall in 'love' and find mates much earlier than when we normally mature and find 'real love'.

    And this may make a lot of guys (and girls) angry. Face it, all of us are here for the 'one thing'. Richard Dawkins, has given evidence in his book 'the selfish gene' that all of us are merely vehicles in the long journey of genes to attain immortality. We are all designed to make as many babies as possible. the apparent prepacity on the part of girls in going into relationships are all a ploy to make them more attractive.

    So there.

    What really struck me though is the number of people here with kids.
    Where does the youth end?

    Or is it the whole "youth is a state of mind" thing?

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  18. Anonymous9:11 AM

    And actually Im waiting for you to come up with the sequel to the "one thing", jus to see the extent of FCP-ism you'll stoop to.

    And you seriously think that "cadet-chap-with-a-good-looking-bike-but-no-brains" was really something you classify as "Love". I see it just as an infatuation.

    But then to each his own. ;-)

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  19. "Only One Thing"?

    I'm hurt.

    Sniff.

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  20. Hmm.. never expected so much of emotion and opinion. My daughter will learn from her mistakes... like I did. I can't live life for her. But yeah, while she is growing up I can (try to) shape her value system.

    Chetan, I don't buy the 'boy who is a friend' theory. Kids are really smart. They mean exactly what you and I mean when they use the word boyfriend.

    Re: 'the one thing' - it was an offhand comment, but one that I do believe is a valid stereotype. Reams of research exists to back it up.

    Although in the very FINAL analysis, the 'one thing' men and women both really want is intimacy. The way in which they seek to attain it - and express it - is slightly different

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  21. Hi Rashmi! It's Supriya (Nair?) - great to stumble across your blog. It's been ages! Glad I can keep track of you now. :)

    As regards this post, what can I do but agree with everything you say? I briefly had a boyfriend in my last year of school, which is probably why I got through college without feeling the slightest amount of peer pressure to get with someone - I had sort of already been there. I've been single for a long time now and not particularly bothered by it. Of course, when I mentioned as much to someone I was accused of being feminist. *whistle*

    Looking forward to reading the 'only one thing' post. :)

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  22. Anonymous2:14 PM

    Hi,

    This blog is great as always. Regarding the comments on 'One Thing'..if you notice most of the bloggers who seems to be extremely offended by this (It reminds me the response of movie title 'Jo Boley so Nihaal' in delhi) aparently are guys...You may agree or disagree on this but its a purely personal opinion..which is based on reading and experience...and regarding that fancy title of 'TRUE LOVE'...How many of you honestly claim of have got TRUE LOVE with your mates without that 'One Thing'.

    Before we crticize someone on any write up..please remember, this is personal blog...not a public magazine where one need to have a permission poll before publishing their personal ideas.

    Though the comments and feedback is good but the language should not be so rude.!!!

    -Thanks

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  23. Good post. Teenage boys, at least, want mainly one thing. Remember this? It's a part of 'that one thing' and the importance boys give it. You're right about the intimacy aspect though - different ways of expressing it. For one, among my friends at least, boys never seem to understand why girls want to cuddle. :)

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  24. Anonymous3:12 PM

    Re: 'the one thing' - it was an offhand comment, but one that I do believe is a valid stereotype. Reams of research exists to back it up.

    How abt publishing the same on JAM ? ;-)

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  25. Anonymous4:16 PM

    i was talking to a friend about girls being gate keepers to sex and she said that its not that guys cant be gatekeepers to sex its just that they really really want to try out their equipment. LOL. maybe natural instinct.

    wud also like to mention a quote from American Beauty in this context.
    "Janes(his daughter) a typical teenage. Angry...insecure...confused. I wanted to tell Jane that its all gonna pass, but i didnt want to lie to her!"

    so i guess Rashmi you stop dissecting the beautiful feeling that is love. otherwise you will end up with the conclusion that you dont really love you husband and are married to him just bcoz he has a big house, a fat pay check and a car. LOL

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  26. Anonymous10:17 PM

    guys are a "little more" horny than girls.. but girls are almost there. they want the one thing as well, just a little less..

    and another valid stereotype: as sienfield puts it :-) : Girls are WAY more materialistic than guys.. guys dont love cars and money.. girls love that stuff and thats why guys get it.

    -i

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  27. Anonymous10:53 AM

    Hey Rashmi-good one

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  28. It doesn't take too much time to guess why this post got a full 33 comments already!

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  29. heh, Kapil hit it.
    I'm in college and I don't want only the -one thing-. It is -one- of the things.From what I have seen most guys just want the -one thing-.That is the age when people don't think very clearly as they are being pumped with testosterone and media isn't helping either.

    I think children need inspiration and wonder and curiosity and something to be curious about. I wish someone had given me a prism or something which I could wonder at when I was young. Such things don't have a very big effect on me anymore.

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  30. Interesting post.

    I think the why of getting into a relationship in college can be different for the sexes. For the guys, I think its the sex and the peer pressure. But, being a college girl, I think I agree with you in that most girls get into relationships because they're in love with the idea of being in love. It would certainly be so on my part.

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  31. The one thing part is more about ethics and not about gender...i see so many girls out just for that one thing...

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