Monday, June 27, 2005

Boy, oh boy!

My daughter casually asked me last evening," Mummy, did you have a boyfriend in college?"

I was - let me admit - a bit taken aback.

Of course, I have always told myself, I will be open and frank in discussing anything and everything with her. I won't ho-hum when it's time to have the 'conversation' my mom attempted when it was rather too late. Not that it was actually a conversation.

The gist of the mother-knows-best lecture was: "Boys want only one thing... be careful... save yourself for marriage..." Wisdom from a different time and era, which addressed none of the *real* issues.

So I'm glad that she can ask me such questions without a hint of embarassment. But at 5 years and 10 months of age? Um, I wasn't quite prepared...

Still, I decided to be truthful and said "Yes."

But it didn't stop at that. "What was his name," she wanted to know.

Here, I ducked - for now - by claiming, "I've forgotten his name, beta.... " and she didn't pursue the matter any further.

Why did I lie? Because I really don't have good memories of that first boyfriend. But the relationship did teach me some important lessons which I shall, from time to time, attempt to imprint into her impressionable young head.

It's all about respect
I think the immediate stimulus for Nivedita's 'boyfriend' question was a conversation the RJs were having on Radio Mirchi which we happened to be tuned to:

RJ1: Aapka favourite college kaun sa tha?
RJ2: Mine was Podar
RJ1: Why?
RJ2: Because of the girls yaar!

In Nivedita's mind, going to college and having a boyfriend are becoming firmly interconnected. This is something she has picked up from the movies and TV she's been exposed to. Not that I don't try to make sure she watches stuff 'appropriate for her age' but hell, even Popeye and Mickey Mouse have girlfriends...

What I want her to internalise is this: It's wonderful if you do happen to meet and vibe with someone in a special way when you join college. But perfectly OK if you don't. And that 'everyone has a boyfriend' is not the right reason, at all.

I, for one, know I was in love with the idea of being in love. My first foray into Boyfriendland was an absolute disaster! The bloke was a good looking, crew cut NDA cadet and had a nice bike. But he was an absolute ditz in the IQ and ethics department.

Yet, even when I knew he wasn't quite the guy I should be wasting my time on, it was very hard to break up. Because 'someone' is better than no one.

Which is wrong. No one is better than a relationship which lacks respect.

And you might think that this is something everyone knows, but I see many many young people stuck in these kind of relationships - justifying them for this very same reason.

The greatest love of all, as Whitney Houston once sang, is learning to love yourself. And that, dear Nivedita, is what I want for you before you go out and find yourself a boyfriend...

And yes, boys do really want 'only one thing', but that will be the subject of another conversation. Watch this space!


  1. Anonymous2:46 PM

    Why do you think that your daughter has the perception of what you think of a boyfriend. In all possibilities, she could be thinking a boy friend (no special emphasis to "boy", I might add).

    I have a five year old kid myself and I get similar questions which I think are quite simplified; my wife and I respond with simplistic answers that seem to satisfy the immediate curiosity.

  2. Anonymous3:04 PM

    I don't think going to college and having a boyfriend are synonymous with each other. i was in a girl's college and didn't have a boyfriend. some of my friends did and it ws supposed to be a prestigious thing . but, i had different priorities and a boyfriend didn't figure in my scheme of things.

  3. It was going smooth until you said -- "boys do really want 'only one thing'".


  4. Well, its a really complicated issue, boys want only one thing? Don't know that may be true but then even girls want the same things. The problem is we all have left touch with our heart. Ethics and Morals we all talk about them we all judge others and never judge ourselves. We talk about boy - girl relationships and we ape from the west. Those special feelings we talk about, you know those feelings which are to be cherished, but they seldom are the same for boys and girls. Kids do talk about boyfriends and what not. . Thats what we have given them and that's what we are all giving to the next generation. All the wrong concepts, too much of listening to the mind, computers televisions and newspapers and magazines, newspapers like times of india which has supplements like bombay times. .

    No its a big question, what all can you talk to a kid? being frank is okay but do we have the wisdom to understand whats right for them and whats not.

    Words are gross. .

    Love is what kids really need and no we are not giving them we are just covering our guilt by filling their rooms with toys

    and giving our consent for anything they ask for.

  5. Boy oh boy...

    So that gives me and Ekta only 2 more years to prepare for those questions???
    (saachi is 3 years and 6 months!)

    Helpp !!

  6. All that kids do need is Love and a living example of right living. . all the talking is crap

  7. Anonymous6:31 PM

    Isn't this a little over-information at this age. But then I guess kids are turning wise and I am getting old. Long live the Generation Gap.

  8. i would agree to Varun. i dont belive in the One Thing crap.
    i only know that if you truly love someone then sex will enhance the love and committment all the more. remember the keyword here is true love.

  9. Anonymous7:17 PM

    Were you successful? How many comments did you expect to mention only about "only one thing".

  10. Hi rashmi,no doubt you had a tough time answering your kid, but some how we all manage it lying is beetter option always than telling realities!Time teaches they will also...But really hurting to know that lady like you think like thing. issue!! when people get real love they never cry for that one thing just come up..later it is not b all n end all.Real love work like spiritual chemical...damn wrting more on such obsolete topic is futile.Girls knows much better than boys how to tackle...that one thing thats sure!!One of the worst topic on which u wrote!Common with some great words next time.

  11. Anonymous9:50 PM


  12. it is just one thing---JUST ONE THING-

  13. Hey Rashmi,
    One question popped in my mind, now we all know about your disappointments with your first boyfriend, would you want/like to see your kid stumbling upon the same blocks? Or rather verify all her potential boyfriends and select the best for her (don't do that plz :)?

  14. Anonymous12:07 AM

    The ending hurts man!
    But good messages. I guess it applies to teens too eh?

  15. look at the no. of comments(including mine) on "only one thing"
    Rashmi you can add up to ur TRPs and you know how


  16. Let me add to the 'want only one thing' bandwagon: There is a difference between 'wanting' something and actually going ahead and 'doing' it.That is where i beleive the 'value' thing comes into play.

    And yeah, am also deeply hurt :)

  17. one-thing syndrome is not a function of gender.

    sab maaya hai ;-)

  18. Anonymous4:44 AM

    The 'one thing' comment aside (seems to be more of a personal gripe than any verifiable fact), it is a bit irrelevant for you to think you can have an absolute influence on your daughtters life. She will get answers to questions you do not want to answer, whether U like it or not. I agree with your idea of being honest with children, the more U hold back, the more they will be misinformed from all kinds of sources (as U mentioned the RJ's). Also trying to think rationally for an an act which is solely based on emetion does not truly work. Case in point, as U yourelf mention, that the guy was "Good Looking", "NDA Cadet", with "a Bike" what exactly was the one thing on your mind when U were dating him? Surely not how ethical/smart he was. All in all a great article. Please keep them coming.

  19. Hey interesting piece as usual...if you were just playing around with the male stereotypes when you talked about us wanting only "one thing" then it's cool...we should learn to laugh at ourselves once in a while but if that's what you seriously think,for once, you are way off the mark. Although years later, it might not be such a bad lie to tell your's something I'd ask my younger sister to watch out for definitely.

  20. missed one more point..
    girls are more emotionally driven than rationally when it comes to guys b/cits all in the glands.

  21. Anonymous6:30 AM

    To be very fair, I think she's somewhat right when she says boys in college want only one thing. Somewhat. Every first relationship I know of has fizzed out pretty soon.
    And Atul, how are people supposed to know what true love is the first time around?
    Ok, So boys apparently want a relationship for just the 'one thing' but even if girls want a whole bunch of things from the relationship, who is to say one is better than the other?
    We can all hide our true feelings and end up being celebate, but that's totally against what we are designed for.

    In fact, we are meant to fall in 'love' and find mates much earlier than when we normally mature and find 'real love'.

    And this may make a lot of guys (and girls) angry. Face it, all of us are here for the 'one thing'. Richard Dawkins, has given evidence in his book 'the selfish gene' that all of us are merely vehicles in the long journey of genes to attain immortality. We are all designed to make as many babies as possible. the apparent prepacity on the part of girls in going into relationships are all a ploy to make them more attractive.

    So there.

    What really struck me though is the number of people here with kids.
    Where does the youth end?

    Or is it the whole "youth is a state of mind" thing?

  22. Anonymous9:11 AM

    And actually Im waiting for you to come up with the sequel to the "one thing", jus to see the extent of FCP-ism you'll stoop to.

    And you seriously think that "cadet-chap-with-a-good-looking-bike-but-no-brains" was really something you classify as "Love". I see it just as an infatuation.

    But then to each his own. ;-)

  23. "Only One Thing"?

    I'm hurt.


  24. Hmm.. never expected so much of emotion and opinion. My daughter will learn from her mistakes... like I did. I can't live life for her. But yeah, while she is growing up I can (try to) shape her value system.

    Chetan, I don't buy the 'boy who is a friend' theory. Kids are really smart. They mean exactly what you and I mean when they use the word boyfriend.

    Re: 'the one thing' - it was an offhand comment, but one that I do believe is a valid stereotype. Reams of research exists to back it up.

    Although in the very FINAL analysis, the 'one thing' men and women both really want is intimacy. The way in which they seek to attain it - and express it - is slightly different

  25. Hi Rashmi! It's Supriya (Nair?) - great to stumble across your blog. It's been ages! Glad I can keep track of you now. :)

    As regards this post, what can I do but agree with everything you say? I briefly had a boyfriend in my last year of school, which is probably why I got through college without feeling the slightest amount of peer pressure to get with someone - I had sort of already been there. I've been single for a long time now and not particularly bothered by it. Of course, when I mentioned as much to someone I was accused of being feminist. *whistle*

    Looking forward to reading the 'only one thing' post. :)

  26. Anonymous2:14 PM


    This blog is great as always. Regarding the comments on 'One Thing'..if you notice most of the bloggers who seems to be extremely offended by this (It reminds me the response of movie title 'Jo Boley so Nihaal' in delhi) aparently are guys...You may agree or disagree on this but its a purely personal opinion..which is based on reading and experience...and regarding that fancy title of 'TRUE LOVE'...How many of you honestly claim of have got TRUE LOVE with your mates without that 'One Thing'.

    Before we crticize someone on any write up..please remember, this is personal blog...not a public magazine where one need to have a permission poll before publishing their personal ideas.

    Though the comments and feedback is good but the language should not be so rude.!!!


  27. Good post. Teenage boys, at least, want mainly one thing. Remember this? It's a part of 'that one thing' and the importance boys give it. You're right about the intimacy aspect though - different ways of expressing it. For one, among my friends at least, boys never seem to understand why girls want to cuddle. :)

  28. Anonymous3:12 PM

    Re: 'the one thing' - it was an offhand comment, but one that I do believe is a valid stereotype. Reams of research exists to back it up.

    How abt publishing the same on JAM ? ;-)

  29. Anonymous4:16 PM

    i was talking to a friend about girls being gate keepers to sex and she said that its not that guys cant be gatekeepers to sex its just that they really really want to try out their equipment. LOL. maybe natural instinct.

    wud also like to mention a quote from American Beauty in this context.
    "Janes(his daughter) a typical teenage. Angry...insecure...confused. I wanted to tell Jane that its all gonna pass, but i didnt want to lie to her!"

    so i guess Rashmi you stop dissecting the beautiful feeling that is love. otherwise you will end up with the conclusion that you dont really love you husband and are married to him just bcoz he has a big house, a fat pay check and a car. LOL

  30. Anonymous10:17 PM

    guys are a "little more" horny than girls.. but girls are almost there. they want the one thing as well, just a little less..

    and another valid stereotype: as sienfield puts it :-) : Girls are WAY more materialistic than guys.. guys dont love cars and money.. girls love that stuff and thats why guys get it.


  31. Anonymous10:53 AM

    Hey Rashmi-good one

  32. Hi Rashmi,
    I am first timer to ur blog. And after reading its sure that "I will be back".
    Well bout the debate, you are right bout some facts in the article but its not always the same that guys always want "one" thing and etc. But as you have left that for the later debate, won't argue on that.
    But u have come with a nice topic and nice words in perfect places in ur article.

  33. It doesn't take too much time to guess why this post got a full 33 comments already!

  34. heh, Kapil hit it.
    I'm in college and I don't want only the -one thing-. It is -one- of the things.From what I have seen most guys just want the -one thing-.That is the age when people don't think very clearly as they are being pumped with testosterone and media isn't helping either.

    I think children need inspiration and wonder and curiosity and something to be curious about. I wish someone had given me a prism or something which I could wonder at when I was young. Such things don't have a very big effect on me anymore.

  35. Interesting post.

    I think the why of getting into a relationship in college can be different for the sexes. For the guys, I think its the sex and the peer pressure. But, being a college girl, I think I agree with you in that most girls get into relationships because they're in love with the idea of being in love. It would certainly be so on my part.

  36. The one thing part is more about ethics and not about gender...i see so many girls out just for that one thing...

  37. Anonymous11:53 AM

    减速机 齿轮减速机 SEW减速机 摆线针轮减速机 蜗轮蜗杆减速机 interlining
    明星代言 明星经纪公司
    制动单元 铝壳电阻
    modern abstract art sofa manufacturer
    净水器 开水器 净水机 净水 软水机 软水 直饮机 家用净水 家用净水器 家用净水机 中央净水 中央净水器 水家装 水家电 水卫士 混合机
    过滤机 DHL快递 俄罗斯签证 回转支承 Laser marking
    保险箱 法兰 法兰标准
    polycarbonate sheet 回流焊 波峰焊
    压球机 注册上海公司 儿童摄影
    牛皮癣 皮肤病 制氮机
    食堂售餐机 校园一卡通
    学校一卡通 ic卡售饭机
    食堂售饭机 深圳一卡通
    广东售饭机 机电设备安装
    北京发票 代开发票
    餐饮发票 住宿发票
    网络电话 免费网络电话
    假发 补发
    织发 植发
    压滤机 板框压滤机
    蒸馏水机 纯蒸气发生器
    上海搬家公司 上海搬场公司
    大众搬家 大众搬场
    张家界旅游 香港旅游
    深圳旅行社 打包机
    收缩机 对讲机 电源模块
    售饭机 水控机 水控器
    萎缩性胃炎 neoprene laptop bags
    SEO优化 计量泵
    胃炎 胃病
    冷水机 冰水机
    北京特价机票 北京打折计票 北京国际机票
    北京机票预定 北京飞机票
    北京订机票 北京机票查询 饮料机械
    银杏 水培花卉 企业宣传片 空分设备
    化工泵 离心机
    电话交换机 程控交换机 集团电话 集装袋
    混合机 混合机
    混合机捏合机 捏合机
    捏合机导热油炉 导热油炉
    导热油炉 反应釜 反应釜
    反应釜 spherical roller bearing
    搬运车 搬运车 电动搬运车 油桶搬运车 堆高车 电动堆高车 半电动堆高车 堆垛车
    高空作业平台车 电动叉车 平衡重叉车 前移叉车 电瓶叉车
    韩国饰品批发 模块电源
    X架 超薄灯箱> 易拉宝 展柜制作
    代理服务器 游戏加速器 网络加速器
    网通加速器 电信加速器 电信网通转换器
    电信网通加速器 网通电信互转
    网通电信互通 网络游戏加速器
    美国VPN代理 美国独享VPN 美国独享IP
    pvc ceiling panel Spherical roller bearings
    安全鞋 劳保鞋 防砸鞋 电绝缘鞋 上海安全鞋 上海劳保鞋 江苏劳保鞋
    服装软件 服装管理软件 进销存软件
    进销存管理软件 服装管理系统 服装进销存软件
    进销存系统 进销存管理系统 免费进销存软件
    吉林中医 东北特产
    阳痿 阴茎短小 阴茎增大
    早泄 前列腺炎 阴茎增粗 阴茎延长
    国际机票 上海国际机票
    国际特价机票 国际打折机票
    砂磨机 砂磨机
    砂磨机 卧式砂磨机
    卧式砂磨机 卧式砂磨机
    三辊研磨机 三辊研磨机
    三辊研磨机 混合机 混合机
    混合机 锥形混合机 锥形混合机 锥形混合机 行星动力混合机 行星动力混合机 行星动力混合机 无重力混合机 无重力混合机 无重力混合机
    干粉砂浆设备 干粉砂浆设备
    干粉砂浆设备 捏合机 捏合机 捏合机 导热油炉 导热油炉 导热油炉 反应釜 反应釜 反应釜 搪玻璃反应釜 搪玻璃反应釜 搪玻璃反应釜
    乳化机 涂料设备 干混砂浆设备 无重力混合机 胶体磨 涂料成套设备 双螺旋混合机
    北京婚庆 北京婚庆公司
    办证 呼吸机 制氧机
    亚都 亚都加湿器 亚都净化器
    饰品批发 小饰品批发 韩国饰品 韩国饰品批发 premature ejaculation penis enlargement
    安利产品 马来西亚留学
    网站优化 网站推广
    论文代写 代写论文
    拖链 防护罩 排屑机 塑料拖链 钢铝拖链
    深圳装饰 深圳装饰公司 深圳装修公司
    特价机票 打折机票 国际机票
    新风换气机 换气机 立式新风换气机 风机箱 新风系统 能量回收机
    搅拌机 混合机 乳化机
    毛刷 毛刷辊 工业毛刷 刷子 钢丝刷
    涂层测厚仪 硬度计
    兆欧表 激光测距仪
    测振仪 转速表
    温湿度计 风速仪
    噪音计 红外测温仪
    硬度计 万用表
    美容院 美容加盟
    澳洲留学 澳大利亚留学
    酒店预定 北京酒店预定 北京酒店
    nail equipment nail products nail product nail uv lamp nail uv lamp nail uv lamps uv nail lamp nail brush
    nail file nail tool nail tip nail gel curing uv lamps lights
    万用表 风速仪
    红外测温仪 噪音计
    苗木价格 苗木信息 标牌制作 深圳标牌 北京儿童摄影 防静电鞋 淘宝刷信誉
    威海凤凰湖 威海海景房 大庆密封件
    打标机 淘宝刷信誉 TESOL/TEFL国际英语教师证书 英语教师进修及培训 北京快递公司 北京国际快递

  38. Anonymous8:51 AM

    的重视程度商务口译同传设备已经说明一切。翻译是一门严谨不容践踏的语言文化。同声传译,凡购买中国移动手机充值卡深圳同声传译翻译主要以网络为基础深圳翻译.深圳英语翻译 ,无需制作炫丽的界面和复杂的操作功能深圳日语翻译,中国移动后台词库和网络搜索资源来获得最接近的翻译结果。所以 广州翻译公司,用户的体验不能停留同声传译如果广州翻译公司,韩语翻译的今天,同声传译偶尔会和翻译公司东莞翻译公司。在线翻译工具的应用越来越凸显出强大的亲和力。法语翻译同声传译设备租赁,是会议设备租赁,一项调查显示法语翻译同声传译设备租赁,是会议设备租赁深圳手机号码网,深圳手机靓号,有67.1%的用户同传设备出租会议同传系统租赁选择在线翻译会议设备租赁乘坐和所有客户一起分享奥运来临的喜悦。新疆租车,奥运喜充天”活动更多的是通过线翻译同声传译

  39. Anonymous3:05 PM

    welcome to the wow power leveling cheap Wow gold service site, buy cheap wow gold,wow gold,world of warcraft power leveling buy wow gold

  40. Anonymous7:53 AM

    ^^ nice blog!! ^@^

    徵信, 徵信網, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 感情挽回, 婚姻挽回, 挽回婚姻, 挽回感情, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信, 捉姦, 徵信公司, 通姦, 通姦罪, 抓姦, 抓猴, 捉猴, 捉姦, 監聽, 調查跟蹤, 反跟蹤, 外遇問題, 徵信, 捉姦, 女人徵信, 女子徵信, 外遇問題, 女子徵信, 徵信社, 外遇, 徵信公司, 徵信網, 外遇蒐證, 抓姦, 抓猴, 捉猴, 調查跟蹤, 反跟蹤, 感情挽回, 挽回感情, 婚姻挽回, 挽回婚姻, 外遇沖開, 抓姦, 女子徵信, 外遇蒐證, 外遇, 通姦, 通姦罪, 贍養費, 徵信, 徵信社, 抓姦, 徵信, 徵信公司, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信公司, 徵信社, 徵信公司, 女人徵信, 外遇

    徵信, 徵信網, 徵信社, 徵信網, 外遇, 徵信, 徵信社, 抓姦, 徵信, 女人徵信, 徵信社, 女人徵信社, 外遇, 抓姦, 徵信公司, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 女人徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 女子徵信社, 女子徵信社, 女子徵信社, 女子徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信,

    徵信, 徵信社,徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 外遇, 抓姦, 離婚, 外遇,離婚,

    徵信, 外遇, 離婚, 徵信社, 徵信, 外遇, 抓姦, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 外遇, 徵信社, 徵信, 外遇, 抓姦, 徵信社, 征信, 征信, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 征信, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信社, 徵信, 外遇, 抓姦, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信, 徵信社, 徵信,

  41. Anonymous1:49 PM

    Faint hint of the love of friendship

    Faint hint of the love of friendship. There is a friend, I think that is a cheap wow gold kind of love and friendship between the feelings between, you will occasionally miss a time to silence him, reminds him, the warm heart, a beautiful, a moving. Sad and worried at the time, you will think of him, you hope that he can in your side, give you comfort and buy wow power leveling understanding to you, and you never talk to him, are you afraid of their own grief that would preclude him from peaceful life.

    You will be a song, a color, think of him, think of my wow gold his sincerity, he reminds me of the dedication, his mind had gone through the ups and downs together. With such a friend, you will treasure their lives and love their own lives, because you know I hope you had a good, he would like you to take care of themselves properly, and then to meet, he cheapest wow power leveling would like you to tell him you very happy.

    That the concept of secularism, in your mind, because his replica replica rolex presence has become pale and weak, you are only in the depths of the bottom of my heart for this man set up a small space, stick with that quietly happy memories, from the the very beginning you know that you will not have any love, it seems that talk about love on the desecration CHEAP wow power level of this emotion, this can only be a friendship. This is how in the end all about? You want to for many years, but no clue.

    You seldom have contacts in this long life, you meet the door may be only a few of the ten thousandth time, but in each other's hearts retain a miss, one asked, even if he went to the ends of the earth, even after many, many years, even BUY power leveling when the meet again, has long been a non-object is not, you still remember back as a profound, and this has been sufficient.

    Sometimes life will calm a dry, maybe you will fall into the dry I replica rolex replica did this, perhaps what you do not have love, perhaps early HUAFA, full sideburns pale, but with such a friend, in the your life will ripple slightly, a little color, do you think of him. He remembered the quiet, perhaps the Health and cheap lotro gold the WHO will not forget.

    Am grateful for you in this world, there is such a person, he is replica rolex not around you, he did not do anything for you, but you hope that he would have been very good, long life, happiness well-being ... ...

    Am glad you had a feeling like that, pure and long, in this complex CHEAPEST power leveling world, there are such a friend, it is worth to cheap rs gold lbless you to miss ... ...


Disqus for Youth Curry - Insight on Indian Youth