Mission Istanbul review

It's a turkey. There, I have the satisfaction of saying it :) And I bet no one who reviews this film will be able to resist that pun.

Haan, yeh journalism bada khatarnaak job hai. Kuch journalists hain like Mr Vikas Sagar (Zayed Khan), who don't have the time to shave or even attend their own divorce proceedings. Bechaare duniya bachane mein jo lage hain.

Aur doosri aur hum jaise bahadur jo aapko bachane me lagein hain. Aisi film dekhne se.

OK. I am going to spill the beans, rip the guts, maul the muscled maniacs populating this film. These are not 'spoilers' because the film is already too spoilt to merit a view. But it sure is fun to write about.

Sample this: Joshila journalist, Mr Good Guy Killing Machine (Vivek Oberoi) and Secret Agent with Cleavage (unknown) have just managed to outrun two carfuls of baddies.

Agent opens the boot and hands out chilled cans of Mountain Dew. Just then two more cars full of Bad Guys arrive. They advance menacingly, chains and belts in hand.

"Dar lag raha hai kya," Vivek asks Zayed.
"Nahin... darr ke aage jeet hai," he replies.

They down the Dew, crush the cans and proceed to finish off the enemy.

Such brilliant product placement has never been seen before, and will never be seen again in the history of Indian cinema. I tell you - the drink to have before you beat someone up to a pulp. Kya positioning hai! UP aur Bihar mein khoob bikega...

A few scenes later, as Journalist and Good Guy Killer are holed up in their hideout. A newsflash proclaims they are 'most wanted'. "Chill, man. Chips kha," GG tells JJ, holding a large packet of Lays.

What's the prograam? Another 45 minutes of yehahaha kicking, punching, menacing, grimacing, we-will-protect-our-precious-pen-drive.

Why JJ could not hand the pendrive to the Indian ambassador when he managed to make it to the embassy, we do not know.

How police manage to enter the embassy despite its diplomatic immunity we do not know.

Oh wait, our ambassador is a lame and wimpy old woman with very poor taste in saris. IFS officers, unite and demand a ban on the film!

But wait, there is someone lamer and wimpier and this is the only intentional (and somewhat genuine) comic relief in the midst of all the dishoom dishoom. A look-alike President George W Bush who is clueless about India and well, just about everything else.

Chief of Staff: Mr President, there's an Indian involved in the Turkey incident

President: What? Indians! They're everywhere!!

Yeah baby, you better believe it.

Since this film comes from the guy who gave us the gory but hard-hitting 'Shootout at Lokhandwala' you have to wonder what went wrong.

My guess: 'Balaji productions'.

They've given the world of terrorism over-exaggerated, cardboard characters like it was a saas bahu show. Imagine a guy called Mr Ghazni who wears plastic flowers to match the colour of his Savile Row suits. He can't be anything BUT the villain.

And to add to the fun they sourced excellent raw material... not for a movie but sturdy furniture. Both wooden and plastic.

Sunil Shetty dies thankfully early but then there's Vivek Oberoi. He is just too much in love with himself. He can never stop being cool. Even in the middle of a heated gun-battle a part of him looks like it's wondering, "Hows my hair?"

No wonder Aishwarya left the poor sod.

And what WAS Abhishek Bachchan doing in the film? Even friendship has its limits! Not even the likes of Esha Deol/ Shamita Shetty agreed to be part of this dud. They had to find two new and unknown bakris.

To sum it up, it was an interesting idea. Terrorists use the media, even manipulate it. Is the media only the messenger or is it actually the oxygen helping to keep terrorism alive? And what happens when the media actually has an agenda of its own?

Mission Istanbul is based on the premise that Abu Nazir (who looks like Osama Bin Laden) is dead and Al Johara (which sounds like Al Jazeera) is keeping him alive by manipulating old images and speeches. That they are creating the news as well as reporting it.

Which, terrorism apart, IS often the case.

But how can you even talk about 'food for thought' in a film where a chick walks up to an Aaj Tak news anchor and says,"Roz raat ko tum mere bedroom mein aate ho... tabhi mujhe neend aati hai."

Yeah baby, and terrorists take Hindi classes so they can retire and act in Bollywood films. Or maybe even as the evil sasur in one of Balaji's many serials??