I feel normal today.
The skies look blue.
Food tastes good.
Breathing is easy.
Yes, I don’t always feel this way.
For many years I have suffered from the ‘blue funk’. The feeling that everything is ok, but it’s not ok.
It’s a feeling that comes and goes. Sometimes it’s fleeting, a minor mood swing. At other times, it’s white hot and intense.
There are certain triggers for this feeling. And one such trigger occurred last month. I thought I was protected, that I would never let another’s words or actions affect me so deeply. But I did.
What has changed is that I have more understanding. I know that I have no control over anybody else but I can work on myself.
This ‘work’ is an ongoing project. When I was first hit by depression, I went the conventional route - medication and psychotherapy. You can read about it in detail here: Depression: It Could Happen To You. (Youthcurry Feb 2006)
It was a difficult time but it was necessary. I now realize that my body and mind were sending me a much-needed signal. This is not the life you wanted, this is not who you are.
I was reborn as a writer and became an author, because of it.
And I see a pattern. Whenever the shit hits the fan (I mean in my head), I am forced to get out of my comfort zone, my routine existence, and find something to ‘fix myself’. That is how I discovered a whole new world, the world beyond what we see, hear, smell and touch.
The world of the spirit.
Which was surprising because my entire life I have been a rationalist. I believed that ‘thinking’ through a problem or situation is the best way. That feelings are never to be trusted.
And now, I believe quite the opposite.
Again, it was a vague feeling of agitation and internal turmoil that led me down this path. And I must say I was a pretty resistant student. I remember attending ‘Art of Living’ around 8 years ago and feeling haan acchha hai but then practicing nothing.
Two years later I was really feeling like crap and attended a course in Isha Yoga. That’s when I understood the power and the value of meditation. You can read about the experience here: A Journey Within (Youthcurry Dec 2007).