Wednesday, June 29, 2005

The 'One Thing'

Since the debate refuses to abate, here are my thoughts. Put down for posterity so I have ready reference material when my daughter and I need to have this conversation!

In the beginning
God - whichever one you believe in - created a virus in the image of man. And woman. Now the trick to spreading the virus quickly and effectively was to have it replicate on its own.

So He invented sex. Yes, I will refer to God as 'He' because I think our Creator must have been a guy. Had it been a woman, certainly She would've given us periods annually - not every month!

But you see, God's primary motive in adding the sex angle was not pleasure but reproduction. The fact that it was pleasurable, of course, offered the incentive to undertake the activity.

As an added safety feature, to ensure perpetuation of his invention, God gave man a reproductive organ with a mind of its own. One that did not always and necessarily obey the commands from the High Command.

This hardwiring has complicated life for Modern Day Man. Say you meet a nice girl, and there is a mutual attraction. The High Command says, Wait! Take it easy. Get to know her. Be a gentleman.

But whether he likes it or not, the 'reproduce' circuit is also switched on and it sends really powerful signals...

Doesn't this also happen to women? Well, some believe it did in the Caveman era, but centuries of social conditioning, Mills & Boon novels and mushy films have had their evil effect. Although it looks like God wired us differently to begin with.

First of all, since women were the ones stuck with the unwanted side-effect ("badhaai ho, aap maa banne waali hain") they were bound to be much more cautious and see a big red "Stop" sign.

Advances in birth control have partially taken care of that factor, but it goes deeper.

Why Viagra doesn't work
The latest on the subject is that after eight years of tests involving 3,000 women, Pfizer, the company behind Viagra, has abandoned efforts to prove that the drug works for females too.

"It is the confirmation that men have long dreaded. Scientists have concluded that women achieve most sexual satisfaction through the stimulation of their brain and not any other organ...."

An excerpt of the report:
Exhaustive research has concluded that men and women have a fundamentally different relationship between arousal and desire. A women's arousal is triggered by a network of emotional, intellectual and relationship-based factors rather than the simple physical response required by a man.

While a man's arousal almost always led to a desire for sex, there was no such obvious corresponding factor with women.... Men consistently get erections in the presence of naked women and want to have sex. With women, things depend on a myriad of factors."

In early trials where women were dosed with Viagra while watching erotic videos, the drug appeared to work. But further studies found that even though Viagra induced a greater pelvic blood flow, the women did not feel substantially more aroused. Therefore, Pfizer is now concentrating on finding drugs that affect a woman's brain chemistry.

The fact that the earth only moves for women if they think it does comes as no surprise to many leading female sexologists.

It has long been held in these circles that a women has an emotional libido . The only surprise has been that it has taken many hours of research and thousands of pounds to conclude something that is blindingly obvious...

That's why the whole porn industry is geared towards men and the romance industry towards women! As the old saying goes: girls use sex to get love, and guys use love to get sex.

'The One Thing'
So getting back to my original comment, the point is that a girl needs affection, understanding and emotion - after which sex may follow.

However, many girls have a physical relationship hoping to get their core needs fulfilled later. Only to find that doesn't always happen. And when it doesn't, it's extremely hurtful and demeaning.

Because the guy may actually just be scratching his reproductive itch, and have no emotions for her to begin with.

Now you may argue that sex will lead to an emotional bonding. Possible, but dicey. Guys do have a concept of women who they will sleep around or 'have fun' with, and women who 'mean more'. Women for whom they feel something in their brains and not just in their briefs.

Even in more 'liberated' countries, the casual and meaningless sexual encounter may be common but not necessarily fulfilling for the woman. A recent report from the UK reveals that despite the fact that both men and women experience their first intercourse at age 16, there remain gender differences in the experience of the event.

Women are twice as likely as men to regret their first experience of intercourse and three times as likely to report being the less willing partner.

Something to keep in mind before you make your decision...

And finally...
That brings me back to my original bit of advice for Nivedita: Make sure your boyfriend respects you and loves you for who you are, not just how you look.

And if I ever have a son I will tell him the same, although in a slightly different way: Make sure your girlfriend is someone you would feel proud enough to bring home and introduce to me.

Someone who makes you feel good - and feels good.

Case closed.


  1. Does that mean all or majority of guys are behind that "One Thing"? I don't agree to that, these may be true in many cases but not majority of them.
    I feel guys also have sentiments. There are guys whose such bad actions have created such an imprint that guys are after that "One Thing", but not all and not majority.

  2. Ya but nice article and in coming ages these things do need a glance of awareness.

  3. I have mixed feelings abt this, but I guess you are quite true abt turn ons. And I too believe that more boys than girls have sex in mind, ,although I don't know its majority. A bold post!

  4. Excellent! This is how you write a follow-up post. Quite marvellous.

  5. Hey there,

    Being a guy myself, and knowing a helluva lot of other guys, I cannot do anything but completely agree to your post.

    But then, I kind of have problems when you generalise all men into that category. Although physically we might react to girls sexually, some men still have saner and more emotional feelings towards relationships with women.

    In fact, I m a firm believer in the fact that men and women can be friends and just that, without anything physical about that. In fact, most of my good friends are women and there is absolutely nothing physical or sexual in our relationships. In my opinion, girls make the best friends to guys.


  6. The original post was in the context of what I plan to someday tell my daughter about Boyfriends....I never said men and women can't be friends, did I?

    Just that for guys there are two conflicting voices and choices. Of course, being rational beings they can and do exercise restraint.

  7. Hi Rashmi,
    the post is too good gave me lot to think before going any relationship with girl..and the sense to me how sex matters from a girl or a boy perspective..this post is informative and really one of the best...

  8. brilliant..where did u get all those viagra facts etc..

  9. Anonymous4:50 PM

    hey! good post but still you can infer from ur post taht since guys are completely nuts and no control whatsoever girls should be more careful in what they wear. o o! you are sounding like bal thackeray!

    i think bcoz of yrs and yrs of oppression one might be tempted to conclude that indeed thats the case with guys. and besides theres an acceptability in general which makes me even sad. girls just like to be with guys who pretend to be gentlemen in front of them.

    anywho, i guess you will have to write yet another article even though the case is closed :)

    the baadhai ho part was too funny! :) keep it up!

  10. the difference is whether guys "react" to the hormones or "respond" to them :-)


  11. Well Rashmi,

    Thats a post with a lot to satisfy the intellect. Yes all that you have written is what the research says. But you know what the problem is? we intellectualising things too much.

    Its about sex? is it? Is it about being frank in talking things to your daughter?

    I don't think. The original post was just an expression of your concern for your daughter and that came out of love. If love is there you probably do not need to talk so much.

    We have all grown up with analysis and thats what we are giving the kids. Many a times what poisions love is this analysis and intellectualising.

    All those feelings about feminism and what not, and believe me I am not against women. In fact I have been into a relationship where I have felt all that a feminists talk about when they talk about men. And yes it was a relationship with a girl, Who had her own concepts of freedom and space and individuality.

    These are small things you know when you talk about love what is freedom what is individuality what is space? Its like going to god and asking for peanuts.

    The problem is when you start talking about love you lose love and you get into an endless domain of thoughts.

    you follow one and you get into another one and it goes on and on, and when it becomes too much you find yourself in a disturbed state, you take sleeping pills and at one point of time you think of committing suicide. Thats the biggest tragedy.

    That may be an exptreme but the current generation has felt it more than the elderly have.

    The reason? too much of intellectualising which only takes one away from love.

    Love is not about saying and talking and thinking those are the results. . . Its about feeling.

    Love can only be felt and can not be defined can not be expressed.

    It has to have some more attributes but I think that would be too much.

    Aboout sex yes the only purpose is reproduction. The moment you put your faculties in its right use all questions of morals and ethics disappear.

    Problem with the modern day beings is that they want too much of everything, I buy a car and I end up driving 3000 kilometers in a month . . why? because of the thrill driving gives me . .

    thats the problem with everything, we feel attracted and we follow attraction to limits, we have forgotten conservation you know.

    and this has been happening for ages every generation is more addicted to pleasure and happiness you know than its previous generation and thats what the corruption is.

    we are corrupt, all of us and thats what we are passing to the next generation . . generation after generation.

    And Rashmi, you do not need to think so much about your daughter I guess, I mean you don't need to think about what would you talk to your daughter. If you love her and spend time with her, Its enough she will grow perfectly well like she should. Not that she wouldnt commit mistakes, everyone does.

    Best communications are the ones which are wothout thinking and at a later point ones without words.


  12. Though the article is full of generalisations, no doubt they hold true for the majority. Worth reading and a future reference guide for my kid!

  13. Anonymous6:22 PM

    Why oh why did you have to write all that. You just sounded like any other pseudo-feminist on a rant. Or is that post just meant to excite more people and get more reactions; worked in my case, so I guess thats partly the reason.

    Surely, you cant believe all the mumbo-jumbo that female sociologists and sexologists throw about to convince themselves

  14. well, a bit of a generalisation, in parts at least. Have mailed you about your requirement for writers, btw.

  15. You cant see me , but im bowing down.

    I can't agree with you more.

    Im accepting , in front of all these bloggers , i dated my first girlfriend , without having much feelings. The fact is that havign a girlfriend or having a boyfriend is so hyped in todays day and age , that its almost a necessity. I can understand why Rashmi is so concerned.

    All in all , bravo. An excellent post.

    An even better reply.

  16. Vivek Gupta7:36 PM

    Didnt know you believe in the theory of creation instead of evolution. Highly disappointed if thats the case.

  17. Anonymous7:48 PM

    Rashmi Bansal ..finally makes sense n she rocks ..brilliant stuff ..keep it up

  18. Nice finale...but tell you this topic is always a topic which will hardly ever satisfy men! I mean is men...There is a time in life most probab in teens or later when one special lass come up in almost everyones life....n with that special i cant believe any lad ever gone for sex sans true consent from counterpart! .SOOO..1ST LOVE ALWAYSS ...ALWAYSS THEN ANYTHING...HEY RASHMI YESTERDAY U MADE ME PENSIVE BUT TODAY U MADE ME EMOTIONAL....THATS THE BEAUTY OF WRITING FROM TRUE IIM!

  19. Nice finale...but tell you this topic is always a topic which will hardly ever satisfy men! I mean is men...There is a time in life most probab in teens or later when one special lass come up in almost everyones life....n with that special i cant believe any lad ever gone for sex sans true consent from counterpart! .SOOO..1ST LOVE ALWAYSS ...ALWAYSS THEN ANYTHING...HEY RASHMI YESTERDAY U MADE ME PENSIVE BUT TODAY U MADE ME EMOTIONAL....THATS THE BEAUTY OF WRITING FROM TRUE IIM!

  20. Shilpi Sharma8:36 PM

    Hey Rashmi
    please check ur mail and tell me where should i send the article?

  21. To all women out there:
    There do exist mature, considerate guys who respect women and understand that making love and having sex are 2 different things.
    Unfortunately, most of these guys are left in the dust as girls today seem to prefer to date the guys with the "bad boy" image.

    Rashmi,you said :
    "Guys do have a concept of women who they will sleep around or 'have fun' with, and women who 'mean more'. Women for whom they feel something in their brains and not just in their briefs."

    So true!!

  22. Hi Rashmi;

    Nice one this one.Reminds me of:"Why men dont listen and women cant read map" and "why men lie and women cry".Its an excellent read and every1 reading this blog and interested in the topic must read these blogs.

  23. oops....i mean books.

  24. Anonymous10:41 PM

    nice post..mostly true but a little soft on girls..

    i would say if girls read mills and boon and get their libido satisfied then thats porn for them.. for guys mills and boons dont do it.. and they need explicit images or videos..

    reagarding guys having concept of "sleeping around" and "girls who mean more"... its totally correct. but then the question is how many guys actually act on the "sleeping around" concept, or even if some decide to act on it how many of them are actually successful and how often.

    My observation is, the good looking guys have tons of girls going after them and these girls have a silly belief that they would actually find the true love after they get him. This guy (if he's player) will play around with infinite chicks and finally settle down with one.. and there will be 50 girls who end up butter about men in the whole process. "men are pigs" stereotype.. and at the same time, the rest of the men are fighting to get some action, and their best bet is to fall in love or "arranged marriage" because i doubt they will get a one night stand.. so there you go.. (this si the time when I feel communism is a way to go, equal sharing of resources is the need :-) )

    girls are suckers for good looks and in that quest they end up hurting themselves most of the times.. guys are suckers for looks/body/sex as well.. but they dont end up (not all, some do) hurting themselves..

    one observation though: for a guy its harder to get oput of a messy breakup than it is for a girl.. guys do crazy things afterwards while girls most of times manage much better... wonder why??

    and another thing, even girls are extremely shallow in their thinking. read some of the postings on dating sites.. they are hilarious..
    I mean does she have a concept of reality!! I doubt that if some such person exists.. who has all those attributes..and "loves her like her father" what does that mean anyways?

    here is an example:
    " I am a layed back cool girl/woman. I have infinate patience, a sexual being, and am a very soulful and passionate person. I appreciate beauty in every form, and I am honest and trustworthy. I love laughter and that exciting feeling I get from making eye contact with the right person as sparks fly, and that warm fuzzy feeling from skin on skin holding eachother later. I am not hard to please or demanding, and I will bend over backwards for those who show me respect. I am a very silly person and I get along with almost any type of person. I am a musical being, it is the language I speak most clearly and dearly. I am looking for someone humble, who has no idea how great he is, who is unique & creative & has passion, & a drive to succeed. Someone who is tender and kind. Someone who is capable of loving me more than himself (which should be reciprocated of course). Someone who respects and cherishes me. Someone who listens, and who'll tell me the truth when I need to hear it. Someone who cares greatly & who has good judgement. Someone who has alot to share with me. Someone who I can trust and who is honest. Someone who makes me feel like I'm floating when I'm with him. Someone who can love & tolerate me and my friends' relationships, which can be silly at times. Someone patient. Someone who'll play with my hair & kisses my neck in the right spot:) Someone who knows their boundaries. Someone who'll know what giving is. Someone who finds nothing wrong with treating me like a godess, but who is not posessive (also reciprocated). Someone who has a unique sexiness. someone who is good in bed;)Someone who is sensitive but not too sensitive. Someone who makes me smile, not unlike a giddy schoolgirl. Someone who'll love me as much as my father does. Someone independant and determined. Someone who won't break my heart. Someone who can appreciate my quirks (don't worry, nothing too bad)."

  25. Anonymous11:26 PM

    Pardon me Rashmi, beg to differ a little here before you close the case :-)

    I am an Indian born Indian who left India some 6-7 yrs back and am now in that most loved and equally hated country of US of A.

    You are mostly right about the guys attitudes to sex. We poor things have a hard time controlling it. Where I would like to differ is in the womens attitude to sex. As you yourself hint, these attitudes have underwent ages of conditioning. Till the middle half of the last century victorian modesty was predominant. Now women are more getting more and more liberal , specially in western societies and they have come out of the closet sexually as well. Women go to great lengths to make themselves "sexy" (modesty , what ?). Not just in the nightlife but even at work women dress as revealingly as possible without messing with the law. You might object that they are "using sex to get love". There are many counterarguments to this one of the strong ones being spring breaks and females here. Everyone knows what they are for students here... uninhibited sex and booze and party ont the beach. Guess what ! there are equal number of females revelling there.

    I think there is a big difference in eastern and western thought regarding female sexual attitudes. In India its still pretty much taboo (notwithstanding those racy hollywood dances) and there needs to be a lot of unconditioning before you can actually get to the real feeling/instincts.. as you yrself say in one previous post "What's love got to do with it? " Just kidding ;-)

    Sorry for the long comments, always get carried away with this topic :-)

  26. Anonymous11:31 PM

    I agree with that Amit chap. We guys cannot really have a problem with this post. I think a part of the problem is that boys mature later than girls and therefore do not have the emotional complexity required for such relatioinships.
    In fact, I don't think boys ever mature enough at all, and this is a part of the built in evolutionary mechanism. This is seen in many organisms, and especially in mammals. The purpose of the male of the species is to inseminate as many females as possible. Therefore, emotional attachment to any one female will hinder his chances of propogating his own genes as much as possible. The female on the other hand, finds the male that inseminates the other females most desireable, as this male has some sort of reproductive advantage or the other, and therefore is not at a loss if the female has an emotional attachment.
    Actually, I think it is in the brain, because the female 'chooses' the male, in a manner that she gets the best children, so that her genes are propogated. If she chooses the alpha male of the tribe say, then there are less chances of the kids getting killed by a rival male. Also, the fittest genes gets passed on.
    While this kind of alpha male - and female harem system still exists in a few places, mostly human society thinks that a monogamous society is better for "human" and "moral" values and the general well being of the society, and now every male can find one female to inseminate (thankfully there are not too many proponents of eugenics), BUT the evolutionary mechanism hasn't passed in males.
    There is some research going on that the male is injected with substances that makes him more likely to be a doting husband and father. Basically, an injection like viagra, that feminises a guy...

    I guess we are all animals, no matter how much we talk about complex emotions and stuff, and God would have made it all simpler if he'd really made us in the first place. First of all, he could have made ONE gender that could inseminate any other or themselves (clonal propogation). someone should research into making this possible...

    If anyone gets your hands on the book "sex in the future" please read it. Pretty illuminating.

  27. So its scientifically proved now..
    yeh jism maange more!!
    not just 'one'

  28. You write well. Very sensible.

  29. first time here, and well, quite a read that was. i agree with u for the most part. i just dont agree with the tone of the post though - too pseudo-feminist for my taste. u urself said it - men are hardwired in a way to seek as many females as possible. also agreed that women need the emotional and mental satisfaction than just the sexual part. what i dont get, and wat u didnt mention is that most gals do go for such guys who are more likely to "sleep around" - atleast in these days, i dont think that "nice" guys stand much chance with gals at all. i think thats soemthing to think abt...

  30. Rashmi,

    You simply amaze me by your writing. When my female friends used to ask me this question, 'Do all guys look only for one thing?' and I used to tell them, yes, Mens are dogs. But there wasn't much I could explain to them. But going forward, I know where I am going to send them in case this question pops up again.


  31. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  32. Hi Rashmi,

    You are right about the 'one thing'. Men has the abilty to distinguish between love and lust as independent needs.

    This article quoted below echos my perspective.

    The latest research says that men have different sections in the brain for love and lust and women, think about this one-romantic love may not mean great sex. In fact, true love may mean no lust for the man, while scorching sex may have nothing to do with love at all. So the next time your man romances you-think true love, but the next time he tries to get some-it may not be a natural expression of true love! The man who is capable of great sex may not be the greatest love of your life. Poof! For generations scientists have studied the colours of human mating, the hiss and swagger that precede sexual interest, the clandestine courtship phase, the public display. They've left the private experience of falling in love and the different ways that man and woman fall in love and react in love, for analysis by others-mostly to poets.

    We know there's an inborn human urge to mate, after all. Love remains a mystery, a promise and an arrow from Cupid's bow, which sometimes tantalizingly and sometimes painfully misses its mark.

    Indiatimes Link

  33. Anonymous9:01 AM

    It's a good thing that God's gave girls periods every month - if it were annual, then guys would be even GREATER infedels because of the low reproductive rate, the worth of girl would go even further down, as their (guy's) reproductive organs would yearn to spread more genes. As you said, fun in sex is just the byproduct. What everyone needs out of it is the product.

    I agree with the other anonymous fellow who said that this post is a bit soft on girls. You say that God gave Man's reproductive organ a mind of it's own to to ensure reproduction. By saying that girls are wired in their brains, you somehow make it seem better. Like because girls choose boys "who love them for who they are and not just how they look" Guys WILL pretend to love them for who they are also (i am not saying that love wont eventually show up in modern society), but you can't blame them (guys) for being wired to find girls who look good. Girls are not any better of than boys if they choose their partners on what appears to be more moral grounds, because all that is evolutionary instinct anyway - the same instinct that guys have.
    and there is a scientific explanation for why we like say - some girl with a big... ahem... backside. This is good for childbirth.

  34. 34 comments till now. I don't think any post received so many comments in a day. What it shows."Sex sells". Your previous employer TOI also knows it well.

    Great post. You are well equipped to do a "Bansi" report on Indian sexuality a la "Kinsey" report.

    Watched "Kinsey" DVD recently and based on that all I can say on your generalisations about sex is that if you do research on the Indian population, you will be pleasantly surprised. :-)

  35. Am astonished and humbled by the huge response.. But amused by the many references to me being 'pseudo-feminist'... Whatever that means !

  36. very well put!
    someday i would want to tell this to my daughter (or son) too!

  37. Guys need sex to be intimate and girls need to be intimate to have sex.

  38. Anonymous4:09 PM

    So I track you down here as well...I don't know what they mean when they say you're pseudo feminist. What you say is so true and that's what most women would willingly back! Well written and so damn tongue in cheek! Loved it!

    Deepa George

  39. i felt like commenting on this... but i guess this whole thing is so muddled in point counter point.... that is meaningless to comment....
    i had put couple of comments before.. but i guess comments shd lead to dialogue with author...which i havent seen much of so far...

    anyway i feel as to what is it that relates sex to so many fundamental issues in our lives... why we cant leave sex alone... and do the rest... or leave the rest and do the sex thing.. (but not alone )

  40. Fantastic!!!!! Haven't read anything as good as this for a long long time!

    Being a girl myself, i definitely agree with you. Enlightened quite a bit on the do's and don'ts of relationships thanks to the blog and the comments.

    Great job!

  41. The following link is a more believable account of female sexuality than what Rashmi writes about. It is actually a rebuttal of Eva Ensler's V-Monologues:

    The link may be somewhat inappropriate for all audiences. Please view with pictures off.

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