The Constant Gardener

I haven't updated this blog for a while, for many 'reasons'.

First of all, I was writing a book. And now it's finally done. Yes, my second book has gone to print and will be out this month.

It is a 'sequel' to Stay Hungry and yet, different. Better, I think.

Writing it was exhilarating and yet exhausting. Many were the times when I would rather have blogged about Kapil Sibal than struggled with another chapter. Or proofread pages for the nth time.

But, it is over, I have moved on. In fact, I am now completing a third book.

Which brings me to reason # 2, a bigger reason. And that is, many were the times when I could have blogged - despite the book writing - but something inside me said 'stop'.

In a quiet moment I asked myself,"Why?" And I discovered an uncomfortable truth.

Writing has been one of the great joys of my life. A talent, a gift, a skill which has the power to take me out of myself. When I write, I am in flow. Thoughts come, fingers fly, words are strung together and this sequence of events gives me pleasure - as well as peace -at the same time.

And the amazing thing is, what I write - for the most part - touches people.

You appreciate me, you respond, you are moved to share a part of yourself. Although I do not write for appreciation, I appreciate the appreciation, for sure. In fact, apart from love of writing itself, it is one of the reasons that keeps me going as a blogger.

So?

Well, this part of life, the 'writer' part has been doing extremely well. Without any conscious effort. I mean sure, I do have to put my nose to the grindstone and struggle with 'what am I trying to say' at times. But I know it's just part of the process.

I know I can navigate myself out of any tunnel, no matter how dark.

But that's not the case with the 'rest of my life'. The one that involves people, and relationships. I mean, non-intellectual and 'real world'.

For the longest time, this was a part of myself I always thought I could be 'no good at'. Or at best, average.

Pictures of 'happy families' always made me think - "uh huh, lucky people". I've never felt really close in that way to the people I call my loved ones.

Over the years I realised I am a person whose brain always ruled over her heart. In fact, I barely knew how to deal with emotions - at all.

And yet, leading this life seemed okay to me.
Because, 'you can't have everything'.
Because maybe some people are meant to be this way...

But I realise this is all just rationalisation.

It does not matter how 'successful' you are.
How intelligent you are, how capable.
Or how much money you earn.

If you cannot manage your emotions and connect with people in a deep and meaningful way, nothing really matters.

And so, instead of taking refuge in writing, I am learning to live more fully.
To love and understand myself.
To love and understand others.
To take better care of my body.
Make better use of my mind.
To just be, instead of trying to become.

I feel something inside me changing. And it scares me and thrills me at the same time.

To write about what is happening is a challenge.
I am afraid I will 'reveal' too much of myself.
I will stand exposed.

And I wonder, will you understand?
Or even care??

OKAY.

The good news is, I'm not turning into Paolo Coelho.

I will resume blogging on the subjects I am passionate about - careers, entrepreneurship, 'following your dreams'. And the occassional book review, movie review, thoughts on life, the universe and youth culture.

But from time to time, I will also share that work-in-progress part of myself. Because I think all of us - to lesser or greater degree - need to tend to it.

We nurture mighty trees called 'careers'.
But we let weeds grow in the garden of our soul.

That private space, that special place, where flowers must always be in bloom.
To make life beautiful, and fragrant.
To experience the joy of truly being alive.